{"id":26001,"date":"2022-11-07T11:19:58","date_gmt":"2022-11-07T19:19:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/?post_type=blog&p=26001"},"modified":"2023-02-27T20:55:09","modified_gmt":"2023-02-27T20:55:09","slug":"i-want-to-move-i-want-to-embrace-change-kelsey-petersons-journey-to-dance-again","status":"publish","type":"blog","link":"https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/blog\/i-want-to-move-i-want-to-embrace-change-kelsey-petersons-journey-to-dance-again\/","title":{"rendered":"“I Want to Move, I Want to Embrace Change”: Kelsey Peterson’s Journey to Dance Again"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Xian Horn<\/b><\/h4>\n
\n

Kelsey Peterson<\/b> and I have had very different experiences of disability\u2014I was born with cerebral palsy, and she became disabled as an adult. But watching her film <\/span>Move Me<\/i><\/b><\/a>, I felt deeply connected to her. The camera takes us into the most intimate places in our lives: we see her in her bedroom, being dressed by her aide, in the bathroom, and all the places in between.\u00a0 We witness a beautiful woman in a state of reflection: considering who she was and how this life-changing event has shaped who she is becoming today. She gives us an unvarnished look into the complexities of external and internalized ableism within herself and within the culture around her.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What I love about <\/span>Move Me <\/span><\/i>is how authentic, heartbreaking, humorous, and complicated it is, the journey through many shades of grief and into a full life. Through her vulnerability, intimacy, and a return to dance, she poses a question that applies to us all: are we simply surviving, or are we deeply seeking the pleasures of life?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In Kelsey, we meet someone who is beyond simply self-awareness; she is in the process of loving her body and life in all the new forms it is taking. I\u2019m in awe of the woman before me, who I now call my sister and a friend, and I am certain you will be, too, not because she is otherworldly, but because she is beautifully human.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Xian:<\/b> There was something about this film that felt like poetry, including the title, <\/span>Move Me<\/span><\/i>. I would love to know who came up with the title.<\/span><\/p>\n

Kelsey:<\/b> We’d been through a couple of titles ’cause the film changed. But <\/span>Move Me<\/span><\/i> struck me and I [thought], \u201cOh my God, that’s it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I didn’t realize when people saw the film how many reactions were going to be, “I was so moved. You really moved me.” I [didn\u2019t intend] the pun, but it was so natural. That title has many meanings; obviously, one, losing the function of my body meant I needed someone else to move me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And two, that I really wanted to move still, needed to explore movement and my own body and loving my body, and what I could still do, in so many ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So that title really has so many meanings, but I think especially that I want to move, I want to embrace change, I want to adapt and connect with my whole entire self. I also want to inspire people to move and feel changed by seeing this film.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n\"Kelsey\n

Xian: <\/b>As co-director, how involved were you, and what was the process of working with other people like?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kelsey: <\/b>I say this not for my own ego but because, as a female director with a disability, I think it sends an important message to our audience: this was absolutely a partnership, but there\u2019s a reason my name was listed first, and when it came down to it, I was the captain of this ship.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong, I couldn\u2019t have made this film without [co-director] Daniel [Klein], and wouldn\u2019t have wanted to. His experience and talent speak for themselves. There\u2019s a sensitivity\u2014a grace and intelligence\u2014he added to my story that truly made it shine and I\u2019m so grateful to have had him as a film partner. But he understood that stories <\/span>about<\/span><\/i> us should be told <\/span>by<\/span><\/i> us, and for that reason, he respected that ultimately this was my story to tell. He did whatever he could to help me do that.<\/span><\/p>\n

Xian: <\/b>Do you think you could talk us through those first few months or that transition from, “I’m a dancer” to “now I live in what’s called a disabled body and I’ve gotta navigate what’s different”?<\/span><\/p>\n

Kelsey:<\/b> The first few months [there was] a lot of disbelief and thinking maybe this isn’t my reality. “Maybe I will get my body back to the way it was.” And a lot of sadness in slowly realizing that that was not going to happen. [For] the first three years I cried a lot. I’d invested so much into my body and it was so much a part of my identity, in more ways than, “I’m a dancer, I’m a yoga teacher, I’m an athlete”\u2014and I was <\/span>all<\/span><\/i> of those things, which is a lot of things to have your identity wrapped up in your physicality.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Kelsey

Kelsey Peterson and co-director Daniel Klein, while filming Move Me<\/em>.<\/p><\/div>\n

Also my humor was really physical for that reason. My relationships were very physical; I was a very affectionate person. I was a very sexually active person, and I loved that about myself. I had a lot of confidence that came from the love that I had for my body; the curiosity, the exploration that I had done with my body, and the time I put into knowing what it could do and how to live in this vessel, you know? There was a really deep intimacy there that I don’t think most people have.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I don’t think [most] people have had the level of intimacy that I had with my body throughout a lot of years of my life, and I was really blessed to have that. There’s so much you don’t know until it’s gone. This is a totally different way of relating to who I am, to my world, to the people in my world, and especially to myself as a human on this planet.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It’s an ongoing process because, really, I’m a 10-year-old in this body, you know? And that’s pretty young, like an adolescent in terms of figuring out how my body thrives and how to listen to it. There’s this curve of adaptation I’ve been going through, and I’ve gained a lot of wisdom through that process, but it hasn’t been gained easily and sometimes you’re smacked with it. It’s a hard thing to find grace within.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I’ve had to lean into self-love and literally research it. Reading <\/span>Sonya Renee Taylor’s book<\/span><\/a> has changed my life. <\/span>Che Che Luna<\/span><\/a>, they have changed my life, <\/span>Adrienne Maree Brown<\/span><\/a>, they’re people I’m finding and relationships I’m forging that are changing the way that I love myself, see myself, and [live] my sensuous experience.<\/span><\/p>\n

With dance, I had to abstract what my definition of a dancer was, which was awesome in a way because I had the tools to do that from my experience with choreography and composition classes. We abstracted choreography to be something completely different: “Oh, let’s switch this level, switch the tempo, switch the intent by putting a different thought.” “I want this to be juicy instead, or I want this to be hard or staccato.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"disabled

Kelsey Peterson and Leah Westlund performing during “A Cripple’s Dance”<\/p><\/div>\n

I was pulling from these tools I’d learned throughout my life and also having to let go of my ego and all these other layers, emotionally and mentally, of embracing who I was through relationships and a lot of self-work.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But all of these things combined together were the key, shifting how I saw myself because right away I was like, <\/span>I’ll always feel like a dancer.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I still feel like a dancer, but I didn\u2019t know how to be a dancer anymore. I shelved that. “Okay, that’s done. I’m never gonna do that again.” That was just my own ingrained ableism and my own grief. I think really getting in the way of that abstraction and that shift\u2014and then [musician] Gabe [Rodreick] coming into my life asking me to help him\u2014was this segue away from my ego and my pain and all of the other bulls—. \u201cIt’s not about me anymore, I’m gonna help my friend’s project.\u201d Then I was able to step back onto the dance floor and explore. And be curious again. Okay, I can be this person and I can change the bar.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I’m creating this bar in my own head and I’m letting society, or whatever I’ve learned throughout my childhood of what a dancer is, dictate that bar\u2014<\/span>f— that bar!<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n