{"id":15622,"date":"2017-06-16T15:49:17","date_gmt":"2017-06-16T23:49:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/?post_type=blog&#038;p=15622"},"modified":"2019-09-10T15:27:16","modified_gmt":"2019-09-10T23:27:16","slug":"transgender-people-trying-to-find-love","status":"publish","type":"blog","link":"https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/blog\/transgender-people-trying-to-find-love\/","title":{"rendered":"Transgender People Trying to Find Love"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>In the <i> Independent Lens<\/i> film<i> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/films\/real-boy\/\">Real Boy<\/a><\/i>, transgender nineteen-year-old Bennett is touched to find his <a href=\"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/video\/real-boy-bennetts-gender-reassignment-surgery-clip\/\">reluctant mother by his side<\/a> as he undergoes a double mastectomy as part of his transition. As Bennett\u2019s mom waits for him to finish the procedure, she worries aloud about his prospects for finding love. \u201cI hope [he] will find somebody,\u201d she confides.<\/p>\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Real Boy Trailer | Independent Lens | PBS\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/3dxq75YVts0?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<p>For many of us, romance may be a swipe away via dating apps like Tinder and OKCupid, but it\u2019s often more elusive for those who are transgender.<\/p>\n<p>We asked a few trans individuals to describe their experiences looking for love.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>J Mase III:<\/b><\/h2>\n<h6 style=\"text-align: center;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-15626 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-4.jpg\" alt=\"J Mase III speaking on mic\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-4.jpg 640w, https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-4-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-4-300x300.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" \/><\/h6>\n<p><em><strong>J Mase III<\/strong> is a Black\/trans\/queer poet based in Seattle, by way of NYC.\u00a0He is the founder of <a href=\"http:\/\/awqwardtalent.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">awQward<\/a>, the first ever trans and queer people of color-specific talent agency.\u00a0As an educator, J Mase has worked with thousands of community members in the US, the UK, and Canada on the needs of LGBTQIA youth and adults in spaces such as K-12 schools, universities, faith communities, and restricted care facilities among others.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s hard for us to know who and where other trans or queer folks are, or people who can identify with or empathize with us in general, so when we do find someone decent who is attracted to us, we latch on to them so quick. And as much as it\u2019s nice to appreciate the small things, as queer folks, we often hold onto and put so much stock into signs of intimacy that are supposed to be basic foundations of a relationship such as holding of hands, eating dinner together, which is understandable because, unfortunately, we rarely have access to that kind of affection. We become so grateful for those small things, which becomes dangerous and why we fall into such abusive relationships, or a lot of relationships where we overlook the bigger picture and larger signs like, \u201cDoes this person affirm me or validate my identity? Do we have similar goals? Is this healthy for me? Do they share the same intimate capacity of trans liberation movements as I do?\u201d<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>Katrina Goodlett:<\/b><\/h2>\n<h6 style=\"text-align: center;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-15627 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-3.jpg\" alt=\"Katrina Goodlett\" width=\"712\" height=\"408\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-3.jpg 712w, https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-3-300x172.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 712px) 100vw, 712px\" \/><\/h6>\n<p><em><strong>Katrina Goodlett<\/strong>, aka Kitty Bella, is a comedian, writer and the host of a web radio series, <a href=\"http:\/\/www.blogtalkradio.com\/thekittybellashow\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> The Kitty Bella Show<\/a>, highlighting the often overlooked voices of trans people of color. She has interviewed Lady Dane Figueroa Edidi, Janet Mock, Laverne Cox, DarkMatter, J Mase III, and others.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I went on a date in June, my first date post-breakup. I was excited like \u201cOK, making progress. This is me moving forward.\u201d The guy knew I\u2019m trans because I put that in my profile like, \u201cFull disclosure: I\u2019m a trans woman.\u201d That\u2019s another topic that gets into a lot of discussion in the community \u2013 whether or not it\u2019s necessary to disclose your gender on your profile \u2018cause, I mean, what do you put or click on when these apps are catered to cisgender[<a href=\"#cisgender\">1<\/a>] heterosexual folks? On an individual level, I disclose for my personal safety \u2018cause if you\u2019re going to date me, I need you to know who I am right from the start. So the guy I was going on a date with, he was definitely aware of it.<\/p>\n<h5 style=\"text-align: center;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-15632 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/3A67707800000578-0-Under_the_hashtag_AllTypesAllSwipes_Tinder_will_today_roll_out_m-a-54_1479226207087.jpg\" alt=\"Tinder app gender profile setup\" width=\"634\" height=\"573\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/3A67707800000578-0-Under_the_hashtag_AllTypesAllSwipes_Tinder_will_today_roll_out_m-a-54_1479226207087.jpg 634w, https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/3A67707800000578-0-Under_the_hashtag_AllTypesAllSwipes_Tinder_will_today_roll_out_m-a-54_1479226207087-300x271.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 634px) 100vw, 634px\" \/><\/h5>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h6 style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>The dating app Tinder recently <a href=\"http:\/\/www.dailymail.co.uk\/sciencetech\/article-3938832\/Tinder-gets-transgender-friendly-Dating-app-rolls-37-new-gender-identity-options-massive-update.html\">expanded the number of gender identities<\/a> to select for a profile.<\/em><\/h6>\n<p>So this is the funny part \u2014 this guy can get past me being trans, but even then you still end up discovering they\u2019re a horrible person. Get this, he was two hours late. And we were texting back and forth about how he\u2019s running late but then he suddenly stops responding to me for like 40 minutes and I\u2019m waiting at the bar like, \u201cOK. I\u2019m done.\u201d So I\u2019m about to leave and he calls me like, &#8220;I\u2019m here! I was having issues but now I\u2019m here.\u201d <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And I thought to myself, whatever, should I go back? OK, why not. <\/span><\/p>\n<p>He was a pretty cool dude, but in the back of my mind I couldn\u2019t help but think that he was doing this thing that a lot of [heterosexual] cis-men[<a href=\"#cismen\">2<\/a>]<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> do \u2014 which is what I date \u2014 with trans women where they set up a date and look from afar to see if you really are what they are comfortable with, if you know what I mean. <\/span><\/p>\n<p>So we did two and a half to three hours of drinking and I said, \u201cI hope to see you again,\u201d and he says \u201cYes, of course!\u201d So I thought, OK, he\u2019s still interested. And then he goes, \u201cOK, well let me know,\u201d and I\u2019m thinking like, um, no, you should check up on me. He didn\u2019t even text me asking if I got home safe. He didn\u2019t send me any other text message or phone call ever again. Ghosted[<a href=\"#ghosted\">3<\/a>].<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>Jes Tom:<\/b><\/h2>\n<h6 style=\"text-align: center;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-15633 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-2.jpg\" alt=\"Jes Tom\" width=\"834\" height=\"513\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-2.jpg 834w, https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/unnamed-2-300x185.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 834px) 100vw, 834px\" \/><\/h6>\n<p><em>Born and \u00a0raised in San Francisco and now established in New York, <strong>Jes Tom<\/strong> is a fresh voice in standup comedy who has been honored to share stages with rapper Awkwafina, gender theorist and \u00a0cultural icon Kate Bornstein, and \u00a0comedians Aparna Nancherla, Jenny Yang, Fortune Feimster, Judy Gold, Marsha Warfield, Naomi Ekperigin, and Rosie O&#8217;Donnell.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>When I was on dating apps I would put my pronouns very prominently on my bio so that people knew what they were getting into by going on a date with me so that I don\u2019t get dismissed as a trans person. My partner is femme and genderqueer and she has gone through many different gender presentations<b>. <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That\u2019s something I\u2019ve never done or experienced, but at least I know she understands to some level how I\u2019m feeling about my body as a non-binary person. I think that\u2019s why we see each other for who we are, which is something that was so difficult to do in my past relationships. We have fewer hurdles to jump over to be able to see each other. That\u2019s why there isn\u2019t \u201ca way\u201d to date a trans person, just like how there isn\u2019t a way to date any person.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>Kavi Ade:<\/b><\/h2>\n<h6 style=\"text-align: center;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-15630 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/15676074_10211527419689365_3157101912153493530_o-1024x586.jpg\" alt=\"Kavindu \u201cKavi\u201d Ade\" width=\"813\" height=\"465\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/15676074_10211527419689365_3157101912153493530_o-1024x586.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/15676074_10211527419689365_3157101912153493530_o-300x172.jpg 300w, https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/15676074_10211527419689365_3157101912153493530_o.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 813px) 100vw, 813px\" \/><\/h6>\n<p><em><strong>Kavindu \u201cKavi\u201d Ade<\/strong> is a poet, activist, and arts educator of Afro &amp; Indigenous Caribbean descent. Their work confronts the many manifestations of violence perpetrated against their community. Through art, they create transformative dialogue and space for healing. Kavi is a 2016 Leeway Transformation Award Recipient, Brave New Voices Alum, Watering Hole Poetry Fellow, and International Slam Coach at the Philly Youth Poetry Movement.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Even in some Queer relationships, there&#8217;s a reliance on black-and-white ideas of gender and what those expectations entail. I [once] dated a queer cisgender woman, and she used to say things like, \u201cOh, I\u2019m the woman, so I\u2019ll get the groceries.\u201d She\u2019d expect me to walk on the outside of the street which comes from this antiquated idea of masculinity and who is &#8220;the protector.&#8221; As a Non-Binary\/Agender Trans person I felt confined to this rigid performance that didn&#8217;t reflect who I am. With my partner now I feel completely loved, validated, and appreciated as I am. We paint each other&#8217;s nails and split everything 50\/50 cause it\u2019s like \u2014 who cares? My [current] partner and I just really make sure to steer clear of imposing any sort of gender norms on our relationship.<\/p>\n<h5 style=\"text-align: center;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-15631 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/Screen-Shot-2017-06-14-at-11.31.13-AM.png\" alt=\"Kavi and their partner proposal \" width=\"944\" height=\"419\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/Screen-Shot-2017-06-14-at-11.31.13-AM.png 944w, https:\/\/dipsy.pbs.org\/independentlens\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/Screen-Shot-2017-06-14-at-11.31.13-AM-300x133.png 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 944px) 100vw, 944px\" \/><\/h5>\n<h5 style=\"text-align: center;\"><i>Kavi and their partner got engaged a week after this interview was conducted.<\/i><\/h5>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h6>[<a name=\"cisgender\"><\/a>1] cisgender: a person who identifies as the sex they were assigned at birth (<a href=\"http:\/\/www.thedailybeast.com\/author\/debby-herbenick\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">DEBBY HERBENICK PHD<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.thedailybeast.com\/author\/aleta-baldwin\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">ALETA BALDWIN<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">; <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.thedailybeast.com\/what-each-of-facebooks-51-new-gender-options-means?source=dictionary\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Daily Beast<\/span><\/a>)<br \/>\n[<a name=\"cismen\"><\/a>2] cis-men: those who were assigned male at birth and identify as male (<a href=\"http:\/\/www.thedailybeast.com\/author\/debby-herbenick\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">DEBBY HERBENICK PHD<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.thedailybeast.com\/author\/aleta-baldwin\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">ALETA BALDWIN<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">; <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.thedailybeast.com\/what-each-of-facebooks-51-new-gender-options-means?source=dictionary\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Daily Beast<\/span><\/a>)<br \/>\n[<a name=\"ghosted\"><\/a>3] ghosted: cutting off contact with a partner&#8211;current or potential&#8211;completely, ignoring their texts and their calls, and not providing an explanation for ending the relationship (<a href=\"http:\/\/www.businessinsider.com\/what-is-ghosting-2015-8\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Business Insider<\/span><\/a>)<\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>For many, romance may be a swipe away via dating apps like Tinder and OKCupid, but it\u2019s often more elusive for those who are transgender.  We asked a few trans individuals to describe their experiences looking for love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":15647,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1357,938],"tags":[],"topic":[1239,1288,1293],"class_list":["post-15622","blog","type-blog","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyond-the-films","category-interviews","topic-identity","topic-lgbtq","topic-youth-and-family"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Transgender People Trying to Find Love | PBS | Independent Lens<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Loneliness, dating apps, gender roles, marriage--we asked a few transgender individuals to share their experiences with finding love.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, 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